And so here we meet again today with yet another lively discussion regarding last week’s book club’s aptly named choice, The Chaosifier by Milord Evers. Myrtle, now recovered from her run in with Milady Van Zandt’s cuckoo clock AND Milady Lange’s beer, has taken a great fancy to birds and could not be separated from the one on the cover, so much so that really, we had to place her behind bars…..for the book’s safety.
While Taliano took a leaf from Squire Jack’s book regarding who was on the cover. Milord Evers was correct in this suspicion that he might then just want to eat it. Alas if that had but only been the paper copy instead of the kindle itself. But no worries because today we have another most charming guest, the lovely Milady Cavendish.
Felicitations on seeing you in our little stopover today here in Cadiz a most charming piratey sort of place. Can you tell us something about your journey from your homeland?
Thank you Milady. I am indeed pleased, relieved and honoured to be here. Mine was a tempestuous journey on a haunted ship. A rather nasty and persistent incubus kept trying to get into my cabin at night and have his wicked way with me. Needless to say I resisted. I always carry my trusty cricket bat with me and the last time I saw him, he was hobbling away, clutching his nether regions and wearing an agonised expression compounded by crossed eyes. I never knew beings could really do that. I always thought it only happened on old reruns of Tom and Jerry.
Then, as we entered the Bay of Biscay, a fearful and unholy tempest blew up. I was most annoyed. The ghost of Julia Child had just cooked me a most excellent light and fluffy omelette for breakfast and I lost the lot over the side of the ship as it rolled in the boiling sea. And then, to make matters worse, at dinner with Oscar Wilde and Salvador Dali, we were on the soup course when a particularly furious wave rocked us so badly, my soup bowl flew across the table and landed in Dali’s lap. I learned a lot of new Spanish words that evening.
Gracious! And now Squire Jack wants to learn them. We must ask that you don’t say them before Myrtle. Benito, fortunately doesn’t speak. What is more I see Milord Dali painted you something. But it was worth it? Flint’s pirate crew are making you welcome I trust?
Yes, indeed, although I do wish they would consider seeing an orthodontist. Their breath is so toxic, I saw it kill two sparrows and a rather confused albatross.
Their supper. And you have brought me a pleasing little gift I see.
Oh yes. I thought you would appreciate it. It’s the Johnny Depp calendar for next year. June is particularly hot…He takes his hat off.
But I do wish he would do something about that bandanna. Now Milady Cavendish you have met all the charming members of the club. Can you tell us why they should each of them spend the week reading your book, The Second Wife?
I think they’re all together too complacent. They think they’re the scariest beings in the known universe, but they’re too obvious about it. When they read The Second Wife, they’ll learn many things, including the subtlety, strength and sheer relentless terror of a jealous woman’s power from beyond the grave. And they’ll also learn that creeping up behind someone and then yelling ‘BOO’ isn’t scary at all. Hideous yes, especially as this lot haven’t yet learned how to use a bar of soap.
Well that’s why they don’t succeed because one smells them coming. While I think I have cured Flint of eyeing other women, he is still a great one for eyeing everything else. He calls it booty. Is there anything I should do to disabuse him of helping himself to other people’s boats and their contents? I mean he keeps saying it is for me….
Milady, I would say if you have cured him of responding to other booty calls, count yourself lucky, lay back and count the diamonds.
Hmm.. An excellent idea. Mama’s kitchen https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mamas-Kitchen/431002043619495?fref=ts
most thoughtfully provided our extremely eye-catching fare today, largely because the pirates eschew the culinary arts for cutlass waving, drinking and frolicking on shore with wenches. Do you have any tips for making them try at least to help my maid, Susan, in the galley? It is such a task and she gets quite fraught.
Hmmm, now that’s a tough one. You could say that if they refuse, you’ll put them on a diet of raw turnip for the duration. That might work. Of course, I have no prior experience to draw on but I have heard elsewhere on my travels that turnips can evoke pretty strong reactions in people. Powerful things turnips and not to be sniffed at (especially if they’re more than a month old.).
Hmm Milord Evers thinks so too. Cadiz is quite a lovely place, what sites do you intend visiting when you leave our ship? Provided of course, you first sign a disclaimer that you never saw me, or Flint?
I have heard it said that the people of Cadiz are the most humorous in all of Spain and are noted for their sarcasm, parody, stinging sarcasm and witty repartee. I have heard they are quite open about it – especially now at Carnival time. I should fit right in! I shall sign your disclaimer, leave this ship and go in search of them. Who knows? I might find a new career as a stand-up comic!
Emily Marchant died on Valentine’s Day. If only she’d stayed dead…
When Chrissie Marchant first sets eyes on Barton Grove, she feels as if the house doesn’t want her. But it’s her new husband’s home, so now it’s her home as well. Sumptuous and exquisitely appointed, the house is filled with treasures that had belonged to Joe’s first wife, the perfect Emily, whom the villagers still consider the real mistress of Barton Grove.
A stunning photograph of the first Mrs. Marchant hangs in the living room, an unblemished rose in her hand. There’s something unnerving and impossibly alive about that portrait, but it’s
not the only piece of Emily still in the house. And as Chrissie’s marriage unravels around her, she learns that Emily never intended for Joe to take a second wife…
The Second Wife is available from:
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