You will excuse me hosting two book club meetings back to back like this, alas, but not only is that Canadian beer potent….
Myrtle had a bit too much, somehow it appeared that Tibbs, unable to find Abbie, settled for Milady Clark instead. In short we had an SOS. It made it extremely difficult to discuss Milady Lange’s book. But there all is well now. Saw Tooth Dog and Myrtle adored the cover…for very different reasons I am sure.
Today’s guest I greet with trepidation after Shehanne threw one of his gnomes through a window. Of the revered and terrifying Mountain Lord, for goodness sake–and then he spent a night in jail . Let me tell you, I have had to ask him along today to smooth the waters.
Felicitations on seeing you in our little stopover today here in Kalkan a charming place in Turkey. Can you tell us something about your journey from your homeland?
Well, you are certainly very gracious in the circumstances, Lady Fury. I had originally set out from my home in the Karkonose Mountains on a journey to a gnome-keepers’ convention in the Caucasus. I had harboured a few concerns about the folly of travelling by sea, and things were already starting to go bad when two of my gnomes were mugged in Trieste by a rather drunken hobgoblin. Then to make matters worse, our first ship ran aground off the coast of Albania. Our replacement vessel The King Zog III proved to be much worthier… until this Flint fellow intercepted us in the Aegean and brought us here. They are a strange and scurvy-ridden bunch, these buccaneers. One or two of them have faces that could sink a galleon from half a mile away. I swear that Taliano chap’s face could make a gorgon cry.
However, your hospitality is faultless, Lady Fury, and I must say that Kalkan is very pleasing on the eye. The local victuals are very appetizing and the climate is certainly raising my spirits. We really must go easy on the rum though.
Well Taliano was probably a gargoyle in a previous existence. Indeed he might be one now. But it was worth it? Flint’s pirate crew are making you welcome I trust?
It is most definitely worth it. It has given me a good excuse for not being at the convention. There is scarcely a more boring topic than gnome husbandry, with endless spirit-crushing presentations about the best way to manage the little creatures. I can still hear Professor Pushkin droning on about his fantastic little Domovoi Djedoes how they do everything he wants them to, and how they win awards. Gah!
Captain Flint is a very charming fellow, but clearly something of a bounder. His crew, however, are quite an ungodly rabble. One of them asked for a book, which Bundl Fugglebum handed to him, and he then proceeded to eat it. I am slightly worried that it is not all they want to devour, too. I have spotted a few of them looking at the gnomes and licking their lips.
I will see they are fed. And you have brought me a pleasing little gift I see.
Indeed I have. I am letting you have gnome daredevil and gnome-about-town, Findl Nettlecrusher, as a personal slave for a day or two. He is already oiled and primed. I am sure you will be most impressed.
I also have a Kindle (Candle?) pre-loaded with an e-book called The Chaosifier for the book club. I can see by their frowns that these barely-sane pirates will struggle to find the on switch, but there you have it.
Now your Mountain Lordship, you have met all the charming members of the club. Can you tell us why they should each of them spend the week reading your book when they could be eating it instead?
I will that for other readers to explain. I am guessing they are more likely to put the e-reader in a cooking pot than actually read it.
I am a major character in this book. Actually, I would say I am the most important character – by far!
Review excerpts of the Chaosifier:
“The magical concepts in the book are creative and engaging, yet the characters can be easily related to and the magic weaves through a world the reader knows. The result is an enchanting story that is thought-provokingly possible.” — debzi f, Amazon UK
“The story is well written, fast paced and hard to put down! The journey across snowy Europe reminded me of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. There are also elements of the story which would appeal to fans of The Hobbit and Harry Potter.” — Jelly Bean, Amazon UK
Goodness. If Taliano finds someone to relate to then I am sure you are on a winner this week. While Squire Jack with a pair of spectacle is sure to see himself as Harry Potter. While I think I have cured Flint of eyeing other women, he is still a great one for eyeing everything else. He calls it booty. Is there anything I should do to disabuse him of helping himself to other people’s boats and their contents? I mean he keeps saying it is for me….
I have noticed him looking at me rather lasciviously once or twice. He is clearly a rapscallion and would do well for spending a few days in one of my dungeons. However, I am quite partial to a bit of brigandage and freebooting myself at times, and may ask him for a few tips. His vessel capturing technique is very fine to behold. He was verily catapulted on to our deck from about 300 yards, and forward rolled onto our poop deck with an almighty “Ahoy there!”
It is understandable why he would want to make you happy though, my lady.
How very kind of you to say so Mountain Lord, espeically after what Shehanne did to that gnome. Mama’s kitchen https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mamas-Kitchen/431002043619495?fref=ts
most thoughtfully provided our fare today, largely because the pirates eschew the culinary arts for cutlass waving, drinking and frolicking on shore with wenches. Do you have any tips for making them try at least to help my maid, Susan, in the galley? It is such a task and she gets quite fraught.
Unless Susan wants to end up in the pot herself, she is better off without them. She is clearly a gifted cook and in need of passing her knowledge to a sous chef. Perhaps Flint could kidnap someone from a local catering college.
Perhaps he could kidnap one for me, too. My cook, Mrs Petruszka, is absolutely horrendous at preparing anything even vaguely edible.
Kalkan is quite a lovely place, what sites do you intend visiting when you leave our ship? Provided of course, you first sign a disclaimer that you never saw me, or Flint?
I think we will not bother to continue on to Russia for the conference. I quite fancy stopping over in Marmaris to collect a special fragrance for Princess Ruby. I know a terrific parfumier there. Perhaps a journey through the Balkans, stopping off in Carpathia to flood Dracula’s castle is also on the cards.
Your secret is safe with me, Lady Fury. Do you have any more rum by any chance? Findl has just finished the first barrel.
Please feel free to send any unruly pirates to stay in my dungeons at The Citadel.
A storm is brewing.
High on a mountain in Central Europe a vengeful chaos
lord has managed to get a terrifying device to do his bidding. The future of the whole of mankind is at stake, and only a plucky band of luck goblins can
possibly stop him.
There’s just the troublesome matter of a crime wave,
global financial meltdown, and WW3 to deal with first…
A rip-roaring fantasy adventure from the author of The Spirit Archer and Campaign of the Gods.
Mountain Lord can be found
The Mountain Lord on Twitter @TheMountainLord
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